Now, if I were Joost ...

JOOST is a liar, and he is apparently so sorry about it. He has followed the trend of several other celebrities and tried to cash in on the saga by writing a "reveal all" book about it.

But what I really want to know is, how his mother feels about all of this trouble her boy seems to have got himself into.

Joost's family has been especially quiet on the topic. But I'm pretty sure there will be hell to pay once Mamma Van Der Westhuizen gets hold of him.

What happened to simply saying "I'm sorry", then skulking off with your tail between your legs and hoping the earth would swallow you whole, and wishing someone else would screw up on a bigger scale so your indiscretion could be upstaged and eventually forgotten?

I don't get how or why celebs willingly immortalise their shameful behaviour for all the world to access at any given time.

It must have something to do with their upbringing.

I'm pretty sure if I were to be in the precarious position Van Der Westhuizen finds himself in, and then have the audacity to publish the nasty, intimate details of it all, my mother would be by my side in a flash. At my ripe old age, she would not hesitate to make me stop whatever I was doing - even if it were an exclusive interview with the president - and whip the madness out of me.

This would most likely be followed by a speech about bringing the family into disrepute.

I would probably then have to pay for the entire family's relocation to Putsonderwater, where no one would have access to the book, or internet for that matter.

The entire family would have to start from scratch in restoring the good family name.

And in the end, I could choose to retire gracefully from my public life, change my name, have a bit of plastic surgery, and live out the rest of my days anonymously in Putsonderwater. Or, I could carry on with my debauchery and be disowned.

Anyone who has had the fear of reprisal ingrained in them at a young age, knows that the choice would be a simple one.

While some have rightfully blocked out the golden era of corporal punishment, there are those of us who remember it vividly.

To the embarrassment of the unfortunate pupil sitting on the large brown mat revising spelling, his or her parent would often visit the teacher just before school ended.

The parent and teacher would have a few words at the door, and both would shoot an almost sinister look and half smile at the poor child.

You would know that it was at that exact moment that the parent would remind the teacher that if the child ever stepped out of line, they had free rein to beat the child back into step.

Perhaps Joost's parents should have made more of those trips, and he would not have had to turn to drugs and loose women.

He would have known better than to dabble in drugs and anything else that would damage his image - or would at least have figured out how not to get caught.

His poor mother must be dying of embarrassment. Perhaps she doesn't mind the stares and whispering from strangers at the food section in Woolworths.

But it's the gossip mongering, I would imagine, from the tannies at church and bridge club that would upset her most.

The church tannies have probably raffled off a patchwork quilt to raise enough money to buy a copy of Joost's book.

The book, no doubt, will provide them with more than enough material to keep the conversation of "Joost's big downfall" going for weeks at afternoon tea coupled with milk tert and hertzoggies.

Some will obviously feel this was bound to happen. "I always thought there was something off with that boy," will be the word from the tannie whose son played opposite Joost on the high school's A rugby team.

Another woman will recall how he always had an eye for the ladies, and nearly married her daughter. She will speak of how glad she is the pair split up just before he made it big.

But the former neighbour will stand firm in her belief that Joost was actually a really good boy.

"You know he comes from such a good home. He was always so respectable... until he started mixing with that Jannie. I always knew he would be a bad influence. Such a pity."

And as the gossip keeps spiralling out of control, Joost will have to sell enough copies of his book if he hopes to cover the family's relocation costs, and a have enough change for a bit of plastic surgery.